Here I sit at 9:08 am on Tuesday, February 24, 2009, to make aware why I am not on facebook at this moment. I have become addicted to the instant gratification and validation of it. I have become a Facebook junkie - one who needs to keep checking who has commented on my status, written on my wall, sent me a friend’s request, or even worse, who hasn’t done any of these things.
I am not an addict to drugs. I don’t need a drink; I don’t need a cigarette; I don’t even need caffeine. I AM, however, an addict to ATTENTION, to VALIDATION and to INSTANT GRATIFICATION. In this world we now live, there are so many dealers for my addictions; the so-called “drug pushers “ – facebook, e-mail, cell phones, texting, etc. It’s not really WHO I AM, it’s just my ego making itself known to me, saying, “Hey, did you see what that one wrote? Hey, s/he didn’t get back to you… I don’t think S/HE LIKES YOU. Oh my gosh, look at that posting, that’s crazy. Why would someone post something like that? Oh look, look how many friends you have. Wow, you are so liked. But wait, they have so many more friends, why don’t you have that many friends?” I could go on and on with my ego-speak, which I like to call “mind-f$%king” but I think you get the point.
The important thing is that I am AWARE of my ego, my mindless chatter. So when it gets to this - out of control, I have the ability to stop, tell my ego I’m on to it - I’m aware of it, step back, and take back my control. This is the real attitude adjustment. It is the ability to lift the veil and get back to seeing who I truly am.
The funny thing about this realization is that it came to me at a recent gathering over the weekend. As I was talking to a group of friends, I switched to third person, “Ursula is…” I caught myself right away, and admitted jokingly, “Yep, I am spending way too much time on facebook.” We all had a good laugh, but I was serious.
Through my awareness of my facebook addiction, I am now able to re-enter the social networking forum with a higher level of understanding about myself. Sure, I may feel the need for validation, for attention, for instant gratification, but I know that that’s not the truth of me. I know and feel that I am loved and love no matter how many friends I have, what witty things I write, who comments on status update, etc. I am a beautiful human being and that’s enough. It’s enough for all of us.
Within that knowing, I am able to accept lapses and move forward. If after a while, I go onto spending too much time on facebook again or find another vice for my need to be validated, noticed, etc., I know my awareness will come sooner and I will be able to step back and see clearer once more. It’s all part of the process of learning - learning who we really are and accepting ourselves as we are.
(Who would have thought that facebook would be such a teaching tool for me? I’ll be back tonight to check on your comments. Ha-ha-ha. That was a joke! Get it? I just wrote this whole note on my need to be validated, and now I want you to validate my writing. My, oh my, is my ego clever!)
